Student Survival 101: Textbook Troubles

By Alyse Allred

Well, it’s that time of year again, when the school bell lassos in the students from that oh-so-short summer vacation.  As always, West Side welcomes students, both new and returning.  On this note, it might be good to start the year mentioning some safety guidelines regarding textbooks that probably aren’t in your student docket.

First is the tricky topic of textbook care. Recent studies have shown that the top of the locker bays are warp tunnels leading to some other netherworld. Anything placed there will likely vanish and then reappear at various times (often with various names written in the front cover). Most teachers seem to consider the loss of textbooks (and other personal items[1]) an unfortunate occurrence, but it is no excuse not to turn them in at the end of the school year. There is a hefty fine usually associated with this, so I suggest guarding these textbooks with your life.

The second tip I have involves the new science textbooks that were bought this school year. There is nothing wrong with the textbooks which, by comparison to the old, nearly non-existent ones, are fantastic. The issue is more the matter with their size, which is roughly large enough to be used as a weapon. As a result, hefting too many textbooks up the stairs at one time could easily result in injury to yourself and others. Even should you desire physical training, I suggest starting at one or two textbooks and slowly increasing the weight before attempting the heaviest loads. Unless proper care is taken, I predict a bright future for the chiropractors of West Lafayette in the next couple of years.

Third, don’t open textbooks if you are unprepared. They emit an unknown radiation that tends to produce empty stares for long periods in unprepared students. In addition to this, textbooks are widely-known soul-stealers, and every precaution must be taken not to fall asleep on top of one, or even worse, beneath one. Should this happen, it is unknown whether you’ll ever be quite the same (as Mr. Overley once suggested, it may be possible that a bit of you diffuses into the textbook, never again to be reclaimed). In addition to soul stealing, textbooks are also capable of eating homework assignments and slipping out of your bags the one time that you actually needed to drag the fifty-some-odd pounds all the way from home and then up three flights of stairs. These are slightly more subtle dangers to textbooks, but should be heeded nevertheless.

Conclusion: Textbooks are a strain of evil to which we have yet to find a solution.

So, now that you’re more-or-less aware of the many dangers of the textbooking world, you’re slightly more prepared to face the upcoming school year. I wish you luck, and prompt you not to die, because dying = no credit.

[1] i.e. cell phones, purses, small children

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