The formality known as a first date is always more stressful than it should be. It’s the two to three hours of interaction where you have to unearth all the personality traits of a potential partner, whether for better or for worse. There are so many things that make a guy undateable, but so little time to find out. What if he puts toilet paper in the wrong way? What if he thinks that Hoodie Allen is a real hip-hop artist? What if he says “bro” too much?
Here are some do’s and don’ts for first dates:
Go somewhere that is public, well-lit and escapable. Always have an escape route in case he’s a weirdo and says something about eating your hair or collecting teeth. Also, drive yourself. You don’t want to be confined to a car with a weirdo in case he says something about burning your house down if you ever leave him.
Try to find similar interests and attend something you’re both interested in, like LegoLand. If you’re both above the age of 12, try adult stuff like an art show or a concert at Greyhouse.
Judge a book by its cover. If he’s wearing a tank top or a snapback to an indoor concert in a coffee shop, you might as well turn around and go home, but maybe not until after he buys you some gelato because you know he’s going to pay and gelato is so expensive but absurdly delicious.
Make sure you’re dressed appropriately. You don’t want to be swindled into buying someone eight dollar gelato even if they’re not interested in you.
Go to a movie. Just, no.
Talk about your lame collection. Record collections, I don’t care. T-shirt collection, I don’t care. Magnet collection, I don’t care, and you might as well collect like rocks or something.
Talk about commitment. Of any sort. It always scares away the other party. In fact, act as non-committal as possible to anything. Don’t even commit to a single ice cream flavor. Get them all.